1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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