hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
