If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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