I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
