I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
