I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
