i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
