Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
