I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
