so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
