I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
