No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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