She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
