Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
