In the future we'll all be gay
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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