I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
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