Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
