fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
