It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
