I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
