i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Pants are for mortals
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
