She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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