If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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