I wish I could punch you in the face.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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