I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
