so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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