I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
