dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize