Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Randomize
