how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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