You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
