I wanna passion pit in your ass
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
porn star boner night. come get it.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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