i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
