Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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