I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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