I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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