I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
