I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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