I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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