So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
