I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
