Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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