She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
