we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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