my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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