i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
im holly from the hills drunk
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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