Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
