dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
