To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
