Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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