Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
