There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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