just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize