guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Randomize
