I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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