I think my fart just growled at me.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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