He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
