note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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