I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize